Identity Crisis - Has anyone else experienced this?

Identity Crisis - Has anyone else experienced this?

thedomyouneeded • Apr 20, 2024

Hi everyone.
I am wondering if anyone has had an identity crisis lately, and how you handled it. Prior to coming to this site, I had limited knowledge about the lifestyle. I had a dom/sub partnership for a while (at least that is how I defined it) and I really enjoyed the control and power dynamic. I came to this site to learn more about the lifestyle and also to learn more about myself. For context, here are some facts:
- I have always been a leader in sports and professional career, so the position of power comes naturally
- I had one dom/sub relationship (loosely defined) and it was incredibly fulfilling
- I struggle with traditional relationships because they don't have that other kink side
- I thought I fit the dom role, but after reading forums and profiles, I see that I don't enjoy the demeaning or humiliating side that some doms require
- I have a hard time with any of the more aggressive or violent kinks
- I also derive pleasure from my partner's pleasure, which doesn't fit the traditional dom profile either

From when I have been reading, I probably fall more into the role of a gentle dom or even pleasure dom, but I don't even know if they are considered true roles (I have read that some people don't accept them as roles). Then I start pondering this question - do I have to define a role, and does a role define me? Am I overthinking everything trying to fit myself into a clear and defined "bucket"? The only thing I do know is that I don't know what I don't know.

Open to any feedback, comments, experiences, etc... thanks in advance.

lambsone • Apr 21, 2024

What's nice about this lifestyle is that no one has to be a cookie cutter anything. The only thing that is a requirement is to be safe, sane, and concentual.

Some of us subs prefer gentle Dominants and don't get turned on by humiliation or pain. My last Dom asked me if he could use terms like whore, slut, cunt, etc when talking to me. My response was, sure if it turns you on, but it won't turn me on.

What turns me on is being close to my Dom. The more time I spend with him (whoever he is) the more hot I get.

From what you described about your own tendencies, I would say, you are normal. Finding a sub that engages with you and both are happy with each other, will be the key to your relationship being what the two of you make it.

And don't forget to have fun.

Varangian​(dom male) • Apr 21, 2024

Yes you are over thinking and maybe being overwhelmed by the amount of information.

There is no definition set in stone to what a dom, sub, sadist or masochist is and all the subcategories that go along with each one.

Doing research is good, slow down learn about yourself, then what you are looking for.

Best of luck

SweetStarling • Apr 21, 2024

Don't feel like you need to fit into a specific role or box. You can be dominant and not a sadist. I personally love pleasure doms.

Innocent Me​(sub female){Protected} • Apr 21, 2024

Who am I? I'm me. That's the only explanation I'm giving. Humans are far too complex to explain with a single title. You are you. The people who care will get to know you for an answer and the ones that don't understand you probably don't matter.

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Apr 21, 2024

i typically don't put "sub" in my profiles because nine out of ten times (probably more) it attracts the wrong kind of dom to me. Which it to say, i don't believe there is a standard, one size fits all Dom, sub or __________. At the end of the day, i believe we are all individuals, that we define who and how we are, the terms we use serve to help describe us, we do not serve the term or label.

That's how i see it, and have known others who see this similarly, and others who don't. And that's okay by me. i believe it's important to know your self, then to be true to your self.

i didn't realize just how sub i am until i encountered what i term an "Affectionate Dom, probably what You are referring to as a "Gentle Dom." As i see it, the truest form of submission is given, not taken. i'm a sub, but i can put a guy to a Dom's head and get them to "submit." That's an extreme example, but force, bullying, meaness, are not my love language and they do no evoke a submissive response in me. Which is not to suggest my mode of D/s is universal, it''s clearly not. But i have encountered enough Dom's Who are wired Yang to my yin to know it's not just my solo fantasy, desire or need.

As to degradation/humiliation... i have experienced that from an Affectionate Dom and it's hugely mind blowing, arousing and bonding. It took me awhile to understand it and the appeal. The basic explanation (for me) is that some of us are 'different' from the norm, but we still grow up and develop in cultures that label us our needs and desires as diviant, sick, broken, etc.. When our Yang comes along and sees us, gets us, wants, even needs who and how we are, Them exercising that desire may evoke a conditioned response of humiliation/degradation, but at the deeper response is acceptance, desire, affirmation. i often use the example of WS as an example. We are conditioned to think of that as dirty, disgusting, etc.. For someone to want to do that to another can easily be construed as humiliating and degrading. For someone to want that can be seen as humiliating and degrading, but when two people desire that (for a variety of complex, individual reasons), it can elicit those conditioned response and at the same time be affirming to both and the source of a strong bond.

Six Foot Four • Apr 23, 2024

Don’t feel like you have to have all the answers right away; the cage can feel like drowning in a fire hose of information. Just as you’ve defined yourself in your career, so too do you get to define yourself in a BDSM context. You are under no obligation to pick a role; a role defines you as you let it. I saw that you were looking for a partner, and picking a role can help potential partners find you, I imagine.

Consider BDSM as though it were cuisine. There's no one-size-fits-all when it comes to food, just like there isn't in BDSM. Everyone's taste buds are different, and you have to cater to your own tastes. There's no “One Twue Dom;” there's what you like and what you don't and what you'll do because your partner wants it. Sometimes you do Mexican when you’d rather hit a steakhouse because that’s what the people you’re with want. You still get to order off the menu and pick the things you like the best the way you want them served. My specific flavor combination of BDSM doesn’t have an available checkbox, but I still fall within the greater sphere of dominants, so that’s what I went with.

PandaGirl​(sub female) • May 4, 2024

I think what I like most about this lifestyle is that it is what you make of it. Take your time, learn, read, chat with others, explore and you will find what works best for you. And just because someone’s kinks don’t align with yours doesn’t mean you can’t learn something from that person.

Eveonna • May 16, 2024

Switch Sence World Combined

Even with out the title I find that switch men have a gentle tentacle of an elegant leading hand even if it's slightly submissive but still dominant. They are willing and will show it if its right connection they will understand you. But lady will understand you in all measures you need your cake eat it to. You can be gentle you may want someone to also lead half but not to much like not being tied up but at times you may want to serve a lady in honor you just want to please even if your have Dom testicles with out going overboard. You don't have to say what you are but someone can read you well. You may not be a switch you just like to be gentle like helping her put on shoe strap does make you less a Dom it makes you respectful Gent that “Masculinity has to be earned by the man that Master it, femininity has to be protected”.

Switch to me is separate from the word Gentleman - meaning one does not influence the other.

One interesting take was from a Domme where she expected her male submissive to be a gentleman. talking about what she expected them to do to cater to her. The interesting idea from my perspective was that an action as simple as pulling out a chair for your Lady was just as much my personal expectation as it was her expectation even though the man was in different roles - gentlemen behavior knows no role if you will.

Don't be afraid that the world tells its wrong at least try and thrive in a good way. Erotica is love. You need art and passion to flow in this life or get bored.

We just want someone to fight for us everyday as they do even in the bad and the good even if both don't feel like getting up still in mind to have dust self off pull you up and them. They say it's 50/50 but one still has to pick the pieces up and pour the same. Just because it gets rough don't just stop or give up you have to do better still stay. Media tells us to be alone don't talk, to forget about friends. If they tell us shut in How will people communicate? You have to wake up out of the shadow's live a better life. Pandemic is over. Nature is good for you, love is good for you, nothing to be mad about man and women. You have to start admitting we did wrong in the past but time to say this the present makes peace with this and rejoices in love again. Erotica of love , still whisper things that make you wet , hold hands , touch each other butts in front of those wish they have you but they need to find their own, Celebrate the love everyday and make time , to make space for each other work on having forbidden love break the spell this era can be better why hide its beautiful so what are waiting for make it happen.

This is something to be remembered and shared well.


Women may not say switch use whatever word that may please her. Like a bottom lass time and place but still center self as a feminine allureness. In this day and age , many might be frightened but still deep inside would love to encounter this kind of love but will still remain mysterious because you want the right kind that fits the mold of alignment. Share a little but yet keep to the imagination but for the right one that respects you willing to take the time to get to know you on the same level and meet in public for the first meeting to see if their is a connection soul spark. Don't get too hooked til you know it's right, fine to be little into it but don't let emotion run wild too much. Hard to find something compatible because some people are stuck with a person but for the right person you must detach yourself and move on or it's wasting your love. It's hard but not the same. You must move on. Some may have a hard time finding someone or may not want to settle friendships. Work fine don't have to have all the attachments but have respectful friendship bond you still be single even if not sexual but still have a flame for things to do. I not really coupled with my friend we have no attachments still free and single I just liked being alone but like the company just we could find anyone we tried dating others and dating sites for years I only had one rare spark soul love was in 2019 with nice gentlemen but he did want to play the Dom role but wanted more sub see women do want both its not really topping from the bottom that just old saying. Just submissive women are naturally dominant, not all want to be fully dominant half the time but still submit. You have to find what works for you and what you like. Someone to share it with the mutual bond of kinder heart. But even if you're shy you gotta work on getting out of the shell, get out of the comfort zone to experience build and invest yourself up.

Someone to put are heel and strap on us, Someone to hold are bags time to time , someone to walk down the staircase with ,To pick you up show you off , someone to drive us around , someone to fix malfunction , heal a bobo with a bandage , someone to kiss are bobo's , someone to support and lead take the hand , To always be their know matter even if life changes. To be are wing and protection but we do the same back. That Lad loves to serve lass just wants to respect them as well treated both the same. Treasure this well will forever be well. Not everything would be seen just between you two for some things you share the rest is to figure out not all for all to know but some things in vanilla world maybe. You have to learn to be Good Teacher in return when its her turn.

Domestic discipline , maintenance training not everything will be sexual at first but at first they know you more in this for love, share the passion not just getting off for self. Be things like learning how to kneel , , lick heels and clean heels , Sit by your Goddess , Respect your Goddess , Be a stole , To always light her fire and fan her. If broken could be a punishment you may not like but a good one to teach you to respect. Being tickled , having huge dildo up the but hole. Just saying not all lady's are in to putting heal on a cock or inflecting pain they just want to give you a little not over done even I don't do this ether. But you want the love back not just all of this everyone is different it's what you agree on with that person. That pours the same.

They might not be all these things you just like to be gentle that you like to love deep , you like to show and like to have treated back the list goes on. Then you are gentle sensual Dom or both. You might need to write that down explore those things find what you like don't like and get in your surroundings.