I care deeply about the safety and welfare of submissives. My own submissives of course, but also submissives generally in the kink community.
I have therefore prepared this article in the hope that it will help some submissives avoid some upset, disappointment, stress or harm that they might otherwise suffer.
Red Flags are things which indicate that a prospective Dominant is not someone you should play with, either because they would likely be a poor match for you,or because they could endanger your physical or mental safety.
Lying, expecting instant “respect” and obedience, disrespecting limits and wanting to play without limits are common examples of Red Flags for many people.
This article refers sometimes to terms related to male Dominants, but the same also applies to female Dominants.
Your Red Flags are your own
Some things - for example a Dominant wanting to play without any limits or safewords - are Red Flags for the vast majority of submissives. And rightly so in my opinion.
But many Red Flags will naturally be personal to the individual submissive, as they relate to the submissive’s own, particular wants, needs and limits. Let me offer an example.
Aftercare of some sort is important for probably the big majority of submissives. So, for such submissives, a prospective Dominant indicating that they pay little attention to aftercare (or even explicitly saying that they don’t enjoy or believe in it), would be a Red Flag for them.
However, for other submissives, for whom aftercare is not a priority (or is even something they do not want), a Dominant showing little interest or belief in aftercare would not be a Red Flag for them.
When seeking a Dominant, it is important for the submissive to be clear about their Red Flags.
You will probably intuitively know your Red Flags, but it can still be helpful to consider them in a systematic way. To do so, think about and perhaps write down:
- What must I have in the D/s relationship I seek?
- What attitudes, beliefs, personality attributes, experience, kinks, skills and personal circumstances must the Dominant I seek have?
- What questions can I ask of the Dominant to try to establish if they would provide me with what I must have?
- What would be, for me, acceptable or good replies to these questions?
- How else might I find relevant information about the prospective Dominant? (For example carefully reading any profiles they have on BDSM sites; talking to people who know them, and so on.)
Common Red Flags
Depending on your particular needs, common Red Flags include the following.
Some of them should obviously be watched for constantly (e.g. lying).
Others are more relevant when first getting to know someone, while others apply once any form of online or “in real life” (IRL) D/s relationship has begun.
- Expecting you to call them Sir or Master immediately. This is a very common thing that wannabe or “instadoms” do and is a major Red Flag! The idea that someone should use these sorts of honorifics to refer to someone else just because the other person calls themself a “Dominant” and demands that such honorifics are used to address them, is clearly ludicrous and demonstrates a complete lack of understanding of how respect evolves and is earned by a Dominant in a D/s relationship.
- Focus on sex, sex, sex….. Sex is fantastic of course, but any intense personal relationship - as any BDSM relationship will be - will have emotional impact and consequences for those involved. If a prospective Dominant is not mindful of this and clearly interested in helping a submissive to positively manage their emotions, there is the risk that the Dominant will not do all they can to ensure that the submissive’s emotional and psychological health is appropriately cared for and nurtured.
- Ignorance of SSC and RACK. These abbreviations and what they mean are essential knowledge one would expect any responsible Dominant to have a deep appreciation of. The stand for Safe, Sane and Consensual and Risk-Aware Consensual Kink. In my view, the physical, emotional and psychological health of their submissive should always be a Dominant’s top, overriding priority.
- Negative attitudes towards SSC and RACK. Some Dominants, though well aware of what SSC and RACK mean, still do not fully commit to all that SSC and RACK require. For example, informed consent are central to both SSC and RACK, but some Dominants may do little, if anything, to explain, discuss and seek informed consent from their submissive before introducing some new activity into their play (perhaps a form of impact play the submissive has not experienced).
- Evading questions or answering them in unconvincing ways. Some Dominants are resistant or even hostile to a submissive asking them questions. This will either be because they are trying to hide something (e.g. perhaps they are not single after all); are unable to answer the question through lack of knowledge (not necessarily a bad thing unless it is something they really should know about like SSC and RACK) or because they have the dangerous and wrong belief that submissives should somehow not be “allowed” to ask questions of the Dominant. I feel strongly that this is a wrong and dangerous belief for several reasons. The most important is that a submissive cannot give informed consent to anything unless they fully understand it and they can’t do that unless they can ask questions and have them answered properly.
- Negative reputation in the community. Some Dominants do get negative or bad reputations in the community for whatever reasons. Sometimes, these negative reputations will have been unfairly earned, perhaps because of an unreasonable grievance that someone has. But, on other occasions, especially if more than one person has negative things to say about a Dominant, it is wise to pay them very careful attention.
- Suggesting play without limits or safewords. You may occasionally encounter Dominants who suggest this. My strong advice is to avoid such Dominants at all costs. Although, perhaps, playing without limits or safewords sounds exciting and “edgy”, such an approach to play shows a flagrant and very dangerous disregard for a submissive’s safety and welfare. There are various forms of “edge play” which can be very exciting for those with that sort of kink, but they should still be subject to pre discussed and agreed limits and safewords (and safe gestures when appropriate).
- Wanting to meet you in private before you have met in safe, public spaces and then agreed to meet privately. Unless what you want is a quick hookup or one night stand, I suggest you are very cautious with Dominants who are pushy about wanting to meet privately before first meeting, maybe quite a few times, somewhere public. Such a pushy approach by the Dominant suggests they don’t have much interest in building a D/s relationship, in building your trust or in your wishes. Not good signs in my view. However, some people are, of course, into hookups and sex with strangers. If that is you, please take all sensible precautions to keep yourself safe.
- Lying or giving Inconsistent information. Submitting to a Dominant will always involve some risk. Therefore it of course requires trust. And so any lying by a prospective Dominant must be a massive Red Flag. Sometimes would-be Dominants will tell bare-faced lies. On other occasions, you may pick up on inconsistencies in things they say. For example, a young Dominant describing a vast catalogue of experience they simply would not have yet had time to acquire.
- Me, me, me, ME….! I would counsel caution with Dominants who talk mostly or exclusively about their wants and needs, about what they’re going to do to you, and who show little or no interest in your views, needs, issues and any concerns. Such Dominants will not want to find out enough about you to properly meet your needs, whatever they may be (even if they are being used as a “slave”….).
- The Dominant is a poor listener. This relates closely to the previous Red Flag. Regular, open and effective communication is vital for any personal relationship, including a D/s relationship, to achieve its full potential. Therefore, if a Dominant is a poor (or unwilling) listener, the whole D/s relationship will be seriously undermined.
How to surface or reveal Red Flags
Red Flags may reveal themselves in various ways, sometimes unexpectedly. Sometimes you may read or hear things about the Dominant on a BDSM site you both use. If you do, seek to confirm or corroborate what you read or hear via reference to other sources if possible.
More often though, Red Flags will be raised from answers (or the lack of them) to questions you ask the Dominant.
I would therefore suggest that you think carefully what questions you want to ask a Dominant; especially when you are getting to know them.
As already suggested, frame these questions by reference to your wants, needs, concerns and goals.
I know that, depending on the personalities involved, it can be difficult for a submissive to ask a Dominant questions.
However, I would urge submissives to fully embrace their absolute right to ask questions and to assertively ask any questions they wish to. And, of course, as already mentioned, if a submissive feels that their questions are unwelcome, that is, in itself, a Red Flag!
What to do when Red Flags reveal themselves
Your safety and welfare must obviously be your first priority.
Therefore, when you discover a Red Flag which, for you, is a “deal breaker”, immediately take whatever steps necessary to keep or get yourself safe.
If you have not met the Dominant and are just getting to know each other via messaging, then all you need to do is explain, in whatever way you want to, that you don’t want to take things further. Then you choose whether you want to stay in touch or not. You always have the option of not answering any further messages, or of blocking them.
If you have already met the Dominant or have started a D/s relationship with them, then it may be less straightforward to disentangle yourselves from them.
But, if you are unhappy with the relationship, especially if you fear for your health or safety, you must end things with them.
If you need support to do this and you have trustworthy friends you can talk to, reach out to them. They will want to help you.
Remember, always put your welfare, safety and happiness first.